Tag Archives: desire

Straight Girl in a Swinger’s World

I have always considered myself painfully hetero.

I know this makes me an anomaly as a female. I am not here to make sweeping generalizations about anyone’s sexuality, but the vast majority of women I know are interested in some girl/girl action. Their threesome fantasies involve other women long before you throw in another man. Mine? Not so much. I am all about MFM encounters. I can’t say why. It could be that I like the attention. It could be that I like feeling in charge and other women intimidate me. It could be that I just like cock and am comfortable handling it. But, for whatever reason, I am a minority.

It is not that Dr. R and I aren’t open to couple play. It is preferred really, but I still feel like I need to connect with the wife first. In my tiny, toe dipped in experience in the swinging world at Desire, the females call the shots. They start all the encounters. This is so far out of my element. I have no idea how to approach women in sexual way. They are my friends. My confidents. My tribe. I am not sure how to open that archetype to include a sexual component. I have never met a woman and felt the attraction that I have with men. The sizzle of chemistry. YET, this is a side of my sexuality I am very curious about. I like kissing women. The few encounters I’ve had I have really enjoyed. Could it be that my own self view is holding me back? Or could it be that I am trying to fit into what I believe is a prototypical swinger?

I am honestly not sure! I have never been one to do something just because the cool kids were doing it. I tend to follow my own drum. But there is a nagging feeling of “don’t knock it until you’ve tried it”, and a feeling that it is more my ingrained identity than my actual preference. Like I have told myself my whole life that I don’t like fish, and suddenly at 35 I try fish, like it, and wonder if it was just the chef or that my tastes have changed. Should I try more fish? But then I may hate it and have to send it back embarrassed. But think of what I am missing if I do like fish and never order it again. This is a strange analogy for the fairer sex, but you follow. It is a ton of overthinking on my part…

Or is it that I feel like my chances of finding a MFM encounter are decreased because I don’t want to play with the wife? That I feel it is an expectation and I’m not sure how to handle it? I know that is a mark of inexperience though. A sign that I need to be more comfortable expressing my desires from the get-go. But how does one approach another woman and request to play with her husband? There has to be a female rapport. It is all so foreign to me. It is a lot of pressure orchestrating this for someone who has never even dated!

I have just come realize there that I have no idea how to navigate women or the couple dynamic. I am fumbling and naïve. Sexual attraction makes me feel powerful and, in this new world of swinging and playing with women, I am not confident enough to feel powerful. I think more nights at Desire, more practice, is necessary. I feel like I missed several opportunities this trip because I didn’t know what to do when approached by the wife. The sad part is that these were amazing women! Beautiful, funny, smart women. Sandra and Crystal, I hope you know who you are. And in hindsight I wish I had relaxed and held on for the ride myself. I would have loved to play with these women but just got in my own way. Next time I will try not to make the same mistake. I will try to stay open and cast aside whatever preconceived notions I have about my own sexuality or limitations.

I mean, how else am I supposed to learn? I need to test the waters and find my flow…

To my Unicorn

I really hope you didn’t notice. That my fumbling round like an inexperienced teenager at after prom wasn’t so obvious. Groping at parts that, although I own, I have never touched on another person. That the night and the water did enough to cover my inexperience.

You see. You were my first.

Yup. It is true. I have kissed other women before. Touched a breast here or there, but that had been it. I consider myself in the minority. While the vast majority of women are further in the grey area of the sexual spectrum, I swing very far into the heterosexual side. Don’t misunderstand. I love women. I am a painter and nude females are my preferred subject. I think we are beautiful. They just don’t usually turn me on. Not the way just looking at a man does. Girl/girl was never my top fantasy, especially if MFM was an option. Maybe it is because I find women intimidating. Maybe I just like cock.

But you shocked the hell out of me. I had no preconceived notion of how the night would go. I was totally caught off guard and I think that is what excited me the most. I didn’t have time to get into my own head. To analyze what I thought about it. All I knew was that you felt amazing. That I’ll never look at tequila the same again. And that I will remember the look in your eyes for a very long time. How small and delicate your fingers were. How soft your kisses were. And how you controlled the action. Here I am, a 6′ tall, generally dominant, seriously hetero female being controlled by a tiny 5’4″ unicorn. Again, I stayed out of my own way and just enjoyed the night with you. Dr. R and I followed your lead. You told me I was beautiful and I believed you.

I just wanted to say, “Thanks.” You opened my eyes and helped me let go a bit more. Isn’t that what that place is all about? Next time I will be a bit more experienced and hopefully graduate to college level fumbling. I may still let you lead though.

Until next time….

Lessons learned at Desire

image_zpscrqlvuavI knew as soon as we were passing through security that my trip was going to be awesome. As I waltzed into the airport, Dr. R and I both had large carry on backpacks full of toys. There is no way I was going to risk losing the luggage and I couldn’t decide which ones to leave behind. We didn’t need clothes, after all, so the bags were full of dicks. I was honestly not thinking about them as I went through security. It was early. I was preoccupied with gate information. But as I walked away from the security check, Dr. R said, “The TSA agent is looking at you.” I turned around to see a twenty something male leaning back in his chair, giving me a disbelieving, side eyed smirk. I just smiled back. I was wholly unconcerned what that guy was thinking (although I think it was more amazement than judgment. There were A LOT of penises), and we were ready to party. It kicked the trip off nicely.

I was surprised at how much emotion comes out when the clothes come off. Overall, it was a week of tequila and amazing people, but being our first trip, some things surprised me! I am not easily surprised. I felt that I had done my research. I knew what to pack and where to go. I just didn’t plan for how I would react. I thought I knew, but I was wrong. It was an eye opening experience, for sure, and I can’t wait to go back. There was a lot of…growth…in Cancun. I feel like I need a do over now that I am more prepared!

Let me remind you, that we are not swingers. We have not been with others, but we approached this vacation from a “we’ll see what happens” perspective. If we hit it off with someone, we were free to explore as we liked. We quickly realized that it is SO MUCH harder than you would think to find a couple that you BOTH find attractive, that are attracted to you, and that you can make a connection with. It is worse than dating, and even that is something I have ZERO experience doing! I swear it would be easier to just walk up and ask if someone wanted to have sex. Maybe I am just direct like that. It was complicated by the fact that we wanted to play together, not on our own, and I am not very interested in girl/girl play. I love women. I just love men more. 🙂 So, a threesome would likely be a MFM situation. It seemed harder to find. Sadly, we did not find another couple to play with. But, honestly, I was ok with that. You can’t engineer chemistry. I was not interested in trying to make something happen just because we were on vacation. It is not a goal to be obtained. It is merely a freedom and an honesty we allow each other to enjoy. That being said, we did enjoy some very lovely kisses from a couple at the sister property. So, I guess we got to swinger first base. Naked, so, maybe leading off first….

I had far too much fun dressing up for the theme nights as well. I love lingerie. I love to feel sexy. I also love to surprise people and be a bit of a spectacle. It spits in the face of my very shy, younger self. I am too old to be timid. Life is too short. I was feeling a bit more self conscious than usual at first. It surprised me. I felt the need to “fit in” when I clearly don’t and that bothered me. The first night I was a bit cautious about changing from my relatively full coverage black cocktail dress into my very sheer, pale lace chemise for the disco. I eventually did, but still felt self conscious. So, when the night came around for me to wear my most daring outfit – a super fun ringmaster outfit with crotchless panties, pasties, and a top hat – I wasn’t sure I had it in me. It bothered me that I was questioning myself. It made me really unhappy. So, Dr. R encouraged me to go change. He said, “You will regret it if you don’t.” And he was right. I went back to the room and put on my crotchless big girl panties. I walked back to the party, took a deep breath, and strutted inside. Immediately, I felt better. I felt like myself. And the amazing people at the resort embraced that. Suddenly I was having much more fun. Talking to people. Engaging. Being present and not a wallflower. We met so many fun people that night. We danced. We drank. We played in the Sin Room. It opened up the entire rest of the trip for me. So much so that the next night, on lingerie night, I competed in a sexy dance competition and won. I got up and danced for the entire resort. No longer a bystander in my own life. It has been a sort of motto for me this year and I really embraced it that night. Hey, you only live once!

We also had sex in public. This was a huge eye opener for me. Clearly, I am a bit of an exhibitionist. I wouldn’t be writing details of our sex life for all you fine people if I wasn’t. I have fantasized many times about being watched. I have amazing sex and showing that off is hot. The thing I never really considered was my audience. I honestly got stage fright. I started to wonder if I could perform. If I was taking too long. If that guy watching was seriously creepy instead of erotically enwrapped. I realized that my fantasy was a bit more that someone could see. That I may not know. A group of people you just had drinks with staring at you was a lot to take in I guess. I was seriously disappointed in my reaction. Both because it meant that I rushed sex and that I was letting my insecurities ruin a fantasy that I had for years. A fantasy that I was very much looking forward to fulfilling. That was on day two. I really wanted to try again once I had time to process my surprising reaction, but the weather never cooperated!! It started raining every time I mentioned it! And the last night that we could have, I was having way too much fun doing body shots with a lovely couple and pretending to be a fountain in the Jacuzzi. I was all for playtime (I had even packed a bag of tricks!) but the wind was so cold. Alas….next time…

I do believe when we go back there will be much more sex. I have worked through my unexpected insecurities. I know what to expect. After being approached by a few couples (even though we didn’t play) I feel like I understand how the process works. The etiquette of it all. Dr. R and I had great sex and finally got to try out my newest Vixskin! It just didn’t involve others as much as we had hoped. I didn’t get to bring anyone up to see my dildo collection. I was looking forward to sharing those. It is quite a scene. As it stands, I only got to show those to the TSA agent.