I don’t remember when I first orgasmed. I have been masturbating to orgasm as long as I can remember. I am not even sure when I learned what that amazing feeling was called. I graduated from humping pillows and stuffed animals to my showerhead sometime in grade school. High school brought the introduction of textured make up brush handles and then onto real sex toys. It was something I did several times a week. It felt good, relieved stress. I never really connected it with the sort of sexual experience I would have with a guy. I know that sounds odd, but it was just something I did. Like reading a book or painting. At that time, SEX was very much about boys. I was raised in a Catholic school where sex education was abstinence and fear based. Female sexual education revolved entirely around anatomy. If it didn’t involve a penis, it wasn’t sexual. I ignored the bit about masturbation being a sin. I wasn’t a very good Catholic…
As I have grown up, masturbation is still very much about my own sexual health. It really isn’t about being horny with no outlet. At this point in my life, I have lots of outlets if I need one! It still feels separate from those feelings. I don’t watch porn to masturbate. I really don’t even fantasize that often. I just focus on the sensations. I don’t do it nearly as often as I used to, likely because I met this boy at 16 that also had the power to make me cum. But it is something I rely on when I am feeling tense, or cranky, or to help with cramps, or just get a moment to focus on myself. It remains a part of my self care toolkit in more ways than one.
And it is still very much an internal thing. It wasn’t until recently that I masturbated in front of Dr. R. I was surprised, but I had a hard time sharing that with him. Not that it was secretive, but that it felt odd to have help. Like having someone help you brush your teeth. Masturbation is perfunctory. Necessary but it is just about getting the job done. The orgasms I have from masturbating aren’t nearly as strong as the ones he can give me. If he’s around, why would I do it? If I just wanted to get off, he is much better at it. It is about something different, I suppose. My need to own my own orgasm sometimes.
So, go forth. Wank when you want. Explore yourself. Find your buttons. Celebrate yourself and this amazing national holiday for a short while!